What follows is a transcript of a speech given by His Royal Hiney, Charlie, Prince of Whales, Prince of Trolls, the Heir Apparently before an audience of one, a translator: Mr. F. R. Eak. Charlie's words are in bold black and Eak's words are in bold green type. Unspoken commentary is in italic black. |
| Charles approaches the podium; stops to smell a wildflower; speaks to the flower. | |
| Charlie: | Hello little guy. How have you been? Nice weather, eh? |
| F.R. Eak: | Clears his throat loudly |
| Charlie: | Looks angrily at the translator Nevermind that... |
| Eak: | after several attempts to say what sounds like “cantankerous” settles on, |
| Charlie: | ...bad tempered translator. |
| Eak: | His Highness has now addressed the podium |
| Charlie: | I have not addressed the podium, I’m addressing the people reading on the homepage web-a-ma-jig. Boy, you think you are so smart! Can’t even speak right! (pause) Hello! |
| (after a few moments of the Prince staring blankly at no one) | |
| Eak: | Your Highness, the audience cannot respond. They are reading this after the fact. |
| Charlie: | Oh. I knew that! You stupid translator! What do you think I am, stupid?!? I heard that! You said, ‘Yes’! I heard it! It would be best if you just sit there and translate what I say instead of adding your own... |
| Translator pauses to allow the Prince to work out the word “commentary” before he settles on the word. | |
| Charlie: | ...thoughts into the topic! Alright! Ok. So… where was I? |
| Eak: | The welcome spee... |
| Charlie: | Oh yeah! The welcome speech! Hello! I’m Charlie, Prince of Trolls! My official title is the Prince of Whales! See, mom found out there were creatures in the ocean and the biggest ones were whales. She figures the bigger the better and that if she ruled the biggest, she would rule them all. She’s pretty smart like that. But my deepest dream is to be the King, you know. One day to rule all the flowers and trees and parks and bridges and mandolins... I didn’t say ‘mandolins’, Mr. Smarty-Pants Translator. I said ‘Mandy Lins’. Get it right! Eh? |
| Eak: | Sure...whatever. |
| Charlie: | I’ll show you whatever! Now where was I? |
| Eak: | Deepest dream, but you know, Your Highness... |
| Charlie: | Hiney. |
| Eak: | What? Oh yes. Your Hiney. You know, Your Hiney, this speech is not really to be about you. It’s more of a welcome speech for those who are coming to the web site. |
| Charlie: | The what? |
| Eak: | The website. |
| Charlie: | (blank stare) |
| Eak: | The ‘homepage web-a-ma-jig’. |
| Charlie: | Oh that! Right. So it’s not supposed to be about me, just a welcome to the people that come to visit us? |
| Eak: | Correct. |
| Charlie: | Oh. Then I’m not really supposed to ramble on about flowers and bridges and the like? |
| Eak: | Correct. |
| Charlie: | So I probably shouldn’t say bad things about Mom either because it’s only supposed to be a welcome for the people. |
| Eak: | Yet again, correct. |
| Charlie: | Alright then. Welcome. G’bye. |
| Eak: | Wait! Where are you going?!? |
| The Prince leaves the podium pausing to pat the wild flower and smile at it before exiting the platform. | |